Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jared Leto must die (and be resurrected as the saviour of cycling)

So i was wondering why people I know were angry with Mr. Leto all over arsebook today. A quick popular search engine search later I was to find out why...



Far be it from me to wax lyrical about the sanctity of cycling, but there is something distinctly sickening about this video. Cycling, and fixed-gear riding in particular, has finally jumped the shark.(actually I take it back, that happened a long time ago).

Combine it with this piece of turgid schmaltz, where pudgy, adolescent boy meets hot, pierced biker chick, who falls madly in love with his boyish charms and inability to fix a fucking flat(you know, that old story), and you leave many us who actually enjoy riding bikes, wanting to quickly find some 14 year-old ebayer who's into vampires, henna tattoos, and fixed-gear bikes, and offload that shit as quickly as possible...

In Fight Club, if I remember correctly, Edward Norton kicks Jared Leto's ass and smashes his prettyboy face in. When asked why, he states that he 'wanted to destroy something beautiful'. Well Mr. Leto has put one of the final nails in the beauty of cycling and is helping it on it's winding, downhill, no-brakes road, off that fucking pier, to destruction.

http://www.hotflick.net/flicks/1999_Fight_Club/Thumb/999FCB_Jared_Leto_008.jpg

You know what, I just re-read what I wrote and have completely changed my mind. These videos are great for cycling. Now the pudgy adolescent need not fear the closed circle of fixed-gear aficionados. He will go on that midnight ride on his clunker with his head held high, and hit on girls that he used to think were out of his league. Elliot Smith would not be turning in his grave if this were to pass.

As for emo kids, they no longer have to skulk in corners wearing dark clothes, bemoaning the darkness of life and the expense of hairspray. They can now worry over what they can buy to match their hot pink NJS crankset!(nb. in the real world, all NJS parts must be silver, no colurs allowed, thans Ed!) Watch in wonder as hordes of youths ride brakeless and fearless through your neighbourhood, careening off car windscreens with a carefree attitude (well vampires are immortal so they have nothing to fear from mere mortal car drivers!).

Anything that gets more people who look like freaks cycling bikes they have no idea how to control is a-ok! Can we make Jared Leto official mascot/spokesemo of the IFBMA? Please?

13 comments:

Ed said...

if their crankset is pink it can't be njs. only silver, no colours allowed.

Ed said...

did you only just see that? not like you graham. it's an abomination, that's why it's strictly road bikes and lycra from here on.

messedup said...

I've been dealing with cargo bikes, the 'next big thing' lately, so this popular culture stuff sometimes goes under my radar...

messedup said...

I shall edit my post to confirm your njs tale...

Anonymous said...

Raleigh Vektors will always win, fixers dont even have sound fx or digital temperature displays. The kettles boiled....

messedup said...

Haha, I had one of them Raleighs... felt so cool punching those buttons on my plastic sound board...

crazydingo said...

Crisis averted!
.........
......
...
Jared isn't riding a fixed-gear in the video

Natalie said...

Hi might not be riding fixed, but he is riding a single speed with 1 brake, silly boy, what a terrible example to the youngsters!

flickerx said...

The music is awful, overblown, pseudo-political emo nonsense, made particularly grade-A unbearable with the children/choir section at the end; but overall, I dont really mind too much about the video. Its people on bikes, if it appeals (on some level) to the masses to get out there and get riding, then I cant see it as a negative. I dont think anyone who already rides a bike is going to give it up just because some cyclists appeared in a video for a shit song by an actor who obviously feels the need to broaden his career path or indulge his ego/artistic oeuvre. But whats the deal with the fucking horse?

Anonymous said...

wow you guys really are a bunch of stuck up elitist wankers. surely if you loved this stuff so much you'd be happy to see it being shared with people and not get all pissy coz noone will know that you were cool before them. if you attack some who you are surprised to learn you have something in common with because you think they're taking it away from you, then you really have no interest in that thing or its growth or its ability to improve peoples lives. your bike is a fucking fashion accessory.

Anonymous said...

Its pretty obvious that the author of the last post never owned a Raleigh Vektor.

Anonymous said...

I'm from Chicago and I know this is an old post but I'm sure were on the same page.
I have no fear of Jared Leto stealing my love of riding. But they just made this video to feed off of this "hipster" stereotype, it's not bringing positive attention to our hobby it's using it as a marketing tool to attract young kids who want to be cool. I feel like Jared Leto is just raping the good name of cycling. Also, I don't know many other cyclist who even listen to this band.

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